Smart Thinking

A political glossary to 2017, part I

They say that politics is a thinking man's game. Permit Chris Hall to set the record straight - it's an angry man's game

Social media used to be something we used to share adorable pictures of our breakfasts, kittens and children, to the infuriation of all – and how we long for such a halcyon age now. Open up Twitter or Facebook and you will be faced with a never-ending stream of political diatribes. As the war of words intensifies, a new vocabulary has sprung up – and some familiar phrases have taken on quite new meanings. Here to help you figure out just who the hell is angry with whom, and why, is Chris Hall.

Alt-Right, adj. Self-adopted term for right-wingers who “reject mainstream conservatism”. Frequently found rejecting other things, such as accusations of racism, neo-nazism, and all objective fact.

Bremoaners, noun (pl). Sore losers who didn’t realise that along with losing the vote, they forfeited all right to discuss what happens next. See also: Brexit.

Brexit, noun. Means Brexit. Like a burger left out all day in the sun, is increasingly unlikely to be soft (or palatable) when we get to it, but we have been telling the whole world we’re going to eat it anyway.

Coup, noun. Something perpetually five minutes away from hitting the Labour party, orchestrated by Rupert Murdoch and his pals in the Mainstream Media. Like Brexit, this can be soft or hard. Unlike Brexit, it may never happen at all.

Cuck, noun (abbr. of cuckold). Insult du jour used by the alt-right; equates men holding liberal beliefs with wilful cuckolds. Loses its sting when you realise it makes the user sound like a chicken.
See also: Snowflake; Crybaby.

Deep State, noun. This year’s shadowy, ill-defined threat of global domination from a secret power base. In this case, it’s the security services of the USA mobilising against it’s own government, apparently. For once, we might be with them…
See also: Bildeberg Group; Zionism; Illuminati; David Icke’s lizard people.

Elite, the, noun (pl). Privately-educated, wealthy, bicycle-riding lefties that are dangerously out of touch with reality and the common man. Not to be confused with wealthy, privately-educated, non-domiciled “men of the people” who are humanity’s last hope.
See also: Will of the People.

Enemies of the People, noun (pl). Wealthy metropolitan elites hell-bent on wrecking democracy for everyone and definitely not something the Nazis used to say. Not to be confused with Enemy of the State, one of Will Smith’s most underrated movies.
See also: Judge, Experts

Experts, noun (pl). Something Michael Gove feels the British have had enough of; he recently expressed his irritation that his remarks were taken as “a blanket rejection of facts, objective evidence or rigour.” Totally understandable.

Facts (alternative), noun. At best, an attempt to outdo eight years of Bushisms in the first month; at worst, an open admission that they’ve given up pretending facts matter at all.
See also: Post-Truth; Fake News; Experts.

Fake News, noun. Originally referred to electoral propaganda; now used by everyone from Trump to left-wing outlet The Canary to refer to stories they disagree with. Ironically, the phrase itself will soon be devoid of any real meaning.

Gaslighting, verb. Nothing to do with those flickery lamps you see on period dramas; to gaslight someone is to psychologically manipulate them into doubting their own sanity. Often used of institutions, e.g. “the Dept of Work and Pensions is gaslighting benefit claimants into believing they are fit for work”.

Judge, noun. Dangerously liberal, sandal-wearing, badminton-playing enemies of democracy and not, as had been previously assumed, politically neutral pillars of society.
See also: Enemies of the People; Elite; Gina Miller

Liberal Metropolitan Elite, collective noun. This one needs “unpacking”, as they say now. Liberal: you like your cannabis legalised, your refugees humanely accepted and your minorities represented. Metropolitan: Londoners. Possibly Oxford and Cambridge, but that’s it. Elite: see above.

MSM, noun (abbr.). Stands for Main Stream Media – if you didn’t know that, you probably believe everything they say, you gullible sheep. Entirely biased against left/right wing agendas and controlled by the Elite/the Alt-Right (delete as appropriate).